Bad Rabbi

Rabbi Baruch Chalomesh

He liked a bit of crack

As he thumbed through the pages of the escort brochure

Not for him the diet coke his idea of a snack

Was pure cocaine 

Which he’d go on to explain

Was actually, halachically kosher

In a luxury city centre flat he chopped em out

For the judges and the servants and the northern glitterati

Like the children of Israel when they built that golden cow

Say what you like he threw a hell of a kosher klezmer party

On the Friday night table

It was piled high

Over the candles he would smelt the chollah poppy seeds

He baked a mean hash bagel

He was a wild guy, when he was high

He was pretty fly, for a Rabbi

He was mad wasn’t he?

He was sad wasn’t he?

He lost his wife didn’t she

Leave him half the man he used to be? 

He sits in the dock and he sees he’s been a schmuck

And he promises form now on he’ll be good

The defendent’s repentant m’lud

He swears it on the Talmud

So the Judge gives Baruch

A slap on the tuch

He says you’re not just a bad, bad guy

You’re a very bad, bad rabbi.

Rabbi Baruch Chalomesh was learned and wise

He studied at a yisheve in old Yerushalyim

And every day he’d argue til the tears were in his eyes

About which food could be eaten

Should it be chopped, mashed or beaten 

And which oil it was permissable to fry in

And you mustn’t boil a baby goat up in its mother’s milk

But where’s it written it’s forbidden

To use coconut or soya

They are devils for the detail Rabbi Baruch and his ilk

They’re like union officials in dispute with their employer

Every hour on the hour a lady from the street

Would press his buzzer and ask to see the rabbi please

And he’d lead them to the bedroom 

And he’s say to them ‘My sweet,

My life would be complete,

If you’d peckle my schmekle

Through the hole in this sheet

He was nuts wasn’t he

He was a klutz wasn’t he

No ifs or buts wasn’t he

A pillar of the community

But now he’s distraught

Because white nosed he’s been caught

I don’t blame him for his cravings do you?

For wanting a prostitute or two

To do what no Chardei lady would do

So the judge says Baruch

This time you are in schtuk

You’re not just a bad bad guy

You’re a very very bad rabbi.

Is it good for the Jews?

When we read it in the news

How we worry, 

how we scurry

How we cringe

Why could he not have been happy with

Just the occasional spliff?

No one likes to see a Rabbi going out on a binge

What did he think he was doing,

Treating every day like it was Purim?

Rabbi Baruch Chalomesh

An example to us all

Beware ye holier than thou you may end up in his condition

The strong do weaken and the mighty do fall

They start off on the pulpit

They end up as the culprit

It’s the downside to the missionary position

There’s a blessing for the bread 

And a blessing for the wine

And there’s something to be said

For a life of piety

When you’re downloading porn

Or you’re chopping out a line

Remember you can still be seen

By the eyes of of the Almighty

And you musn’t drive your car

On a Yom-tov or Shabbat

And as well as your kippah

You must wear a wide brimmed hat

Expose the tassles on your vest

You must let your side-burns curl

And thank Hashem every morning

That you’ve not been born a girl

And you mustn’t lay down

Withe your sister or your mum

Or your father’s other wives

Or the daughter of your son

Or your daughter or her daughter

Or your Grandma or your Aunt

Yes you very may well want to 

Well I’m sorry, but you can’t!

Though it’s frowned upon, surprisingly

First cousins they’ll allow,

But not the sheep or the goat

Or the chicken or the cow

If you must drink in Starbucks

Then use a paper cup

But the panini BLTni

Is a thrill you must give up

Never mind those prostitutes

We all know the major

commandments one to ten

But nowhere does it say

‘Thou shalt not snort cocaine’

In any one of them

And in Prestwich and in Heaton Park

And Cheetham Hill

They’re sitting shiva cause his bimma

Now is empty

That randy, rampant Rov

Has popped his last pill

He’s bought his last thrill

Say bye bye

To the Rabbi

He was wild wasn’t he,

Like a child wasn’t he,

He was reviled

And then he was exiled,

Wasn’t he?

He will party no more,

He can’t wait for Yom Kippur,

And he promises those days are dead and gone,

He recognises now that he was wrong,

He’ll no longer use his shofar as a bong,

And the Judge says Baruch,

Let’s not beat around the burning bush,

You’re not just a bad, bad guy

You’re a very bad, bad rabbi

(Chabad Rabbi)